My effort to find balance and to look for truth has sometimes left me feeling fragile but after a few moments of feeling not so stellar I pick myself up, dust myself off and then steady myself all while trying to remain as graceful as possible. I’ve learned that this is exhausting! Life, it’s the most beautiful and complex thing. I think about all of the decisions that have gotten me to this exact point in time. I can honestly say that I’ve lived a life with no regrets. Even when things didn’t turn out as I had hoped I know that there was always genuine reason for it being otherwise.
I don’t hold grudges, I give and expect nothing in return, I strive to let go of mistakes but still I feel something is missing in my life. I’m searching but I haven’t quite put my finger on what it is. I feel though that I’m meant for more or something bigger in this world but I don’t know what yet. I’m not talking about materialistic things because those aren’t important to me.
With each holiday season that comes and goes I feel like the seconds on the clock tick by at a faster rate than before. When I was a child I remember time seemed to stand still whenever I was waiting in anticipation for something I was looking forward to like Christmas now as the holidays approach again I can’t help but wonder where all the time has gone. I’m not afraid of what the future holds because I feel I’ve been lucky to experience so much in my life already but sometimes I wonder if I’m on the right path. Am I living to my fullest potential, am I truly happy? Am I living life or letting it pass by? Am I the only one who asks these questions?
So, now let me tell you about a woman I recently crossed paths with named Gu. I don’t know where she was from but she seemed wise. English was not her first language but it was one of many that she spoke that enabled her to communicate with me and I was grateful. Gu looked at me with magical eyes and a kind smile. She spoke in an authoritative manner and talked to me like I was being scolded but peculiar enough I didn’t feel defensive to what she was saying instead I welcomed it.
“You impatient girl. You stubborn girl” she said. “You need to be like plant. Let someone water you. You don’t have to be big tree all the time, you don’t always have to show how strong you are, at work yes but that’s all”. She said lots more that I found interesting but her advice it what has been on my mind lately. Could Gu really know this about me or did she ask the right questions so that I could look within and learn more about myself?
I was able to understand what she was saying and I started to see myself through her. She knew things about me that seemed so true but that I never identified until she pointed them out. English was not her first language but it was one of many that she spoke that enabled her to communicate with me and I was grateful.
Gu disappeared as quickly as she appeared but what she said lingered with me. It was true what she said because that is me. I made a promise to myself a long time ago to never be in a position that would require me to depend on anyone else but now I wonder if that has worked against me. I put a wall up and now I’m realizing that it’s pretty lonely in the fortress I made for myself.